For the past few years people have been telling me to be myself.  They only stop when I pretend to be the me I was 10 years ago.  This exhausts me and makes me close myself off more and more.  Each time I have to make an effort to be the old me I get further and further away from that person.  I already don't recognize her and I am starting to despise her.  However, I also have gotten to the point where I despise the current me.  I am not good enough for anyone.  Not my friends, family nor my young son.  I have no interest in trying to be in a relationship when I can't feel comfortable in my own skin.  I wish people would be content in letting me be myself, whoever I am right now.  Maybe I could find my way back to who I once was.

Some days I feel like I'm doing it all right.  My son is learning how to be polite, respectful.  I feel I'm teaching him how to be a smart, self-sufficient, independent gentleman.  He loves to give gifts as much as he loves to receive them (he is only 3).  He is trying to figure out how to read.  He says "Excuse me," and holds doors open.  He seems to be an amazing little person who I am so glad to call my son.

Other days I feel like a failure.  Those days where I've tried redirection, time outs, even spankings, groundings and naps (not always in that order).  When he laughs in my face when I am at my wits end trying to end poor behaviors such as throwing or spitting food, hitting the dog or screaming at the top of his lungs. 

I am truly at a loss as to how I am supposed to balance the two sides of his personality in order to create a man that any woman will be lucky to have some day (if that's the path he chooses to follow!)  How do I go from a sweet boy excited about giving a friend roses on her birthday to a child who plays with and spits out his food while laughing and talking back, in the course of 3 hours?  Is this all 3 year olds or is mine just a special case?

I love my son more than anything in this world.  I just hope that I do right by him.  I want him to be prepared to have a bright and full future.

Goodbye Shadow

A great man, a beloved friend that I never got the chance to meet in person, passed away Thursday.  My heart is broken.  Shadow was our guild master, our "father" for our ragtag bunch of WoW nuts in TGQM.  I'm afraid to log in knowing that he's never going to be on with his everlasting enthusiasm. 

We all miss you Shadowfill.  You will forever be in our hearts.  I only hope that I get the chance to meet you in the next life.  May your journey be swift and your heart always be true.  Love Qam

Little Fire on Thin Ice

I decided to start a blog as a way to look back.  My beautiful baby boy is growing up so fast and already I'm starting to forget things that I never thought I'd forget.  He's already 2 1/2 years old!  The cliche about "just yesterday he was born" is so true. 

I have been following several blogs for a while now.  Blogs about adoption and children with disabilities.  These families have my utmost respect and my prayers are with them daily.  They have touched my heart and have also made me realize how much I truly treasure my rambunctious, silly son. 

Aidan is all boy.  Danger means nothing to him.  Running into walls, falling, jumping off furniture - these are daily activities.  Soon enough he'll be climbing trees, swinging from ropes into rivers and giving me more anxiety issues than I already have.  I hope to record enough sweet things in this blog to remind me why I haven't lost my mind or thrown in the towel when these things happen.

He seems to have a good sense of mommy's moods though.  Whenever I am about at wit's end he pulls out the sweet and innocent card.  The other day he crawled up next to me, placed his hand on my cheek and said "You're boo-tiful Mommy, you're boo-tiful."  How can you not melt at that?  Oh, how I love that boy! 

 The day Aidan came home from the hospital.

Aidan at 1 yr old.  The day of his Baptism.

 Aidan at 2 1/2 - he has an attitude...

But he's also really sweet!